The Motherfucking Hurty Phase explained.

Chatting with a friend recently when all of a sudden out of the blue she burst out with “And what the actual fuck is this ovulation pain bullshit!”

It is just ANOTHER thing we women silently deal with and I wish to air my views on it. I am going to be talking about periods today and if you don’t want to hear about it, please take your leave now.

So, when you are younger you get your period, might have a little cramping, but it is not going to ruin your day. And when you hit your forties, a lot of women’s bodies go into extreme over-drive as hormones get confused, while your ovaries go into panic. Your period becomes EPIC, irrational, unmanageable and very, very unpredictable. You might not have a period for 3 months, and then have one for 2 weeks. Then stop. A day later it might pop into say hello again.

And you are doing all of this, on TOP of dealing with normal teenagers

You spend a long time in your brain, trying to figure out why everyone is pissing you off on purpose, are you being irrational or is that dumb fuckwit who took your coffee order really that thick. You are aware that you are slowly turning into that cranky bitch and beat yourself up a bit about it.

Dealing with your cycle becomes a very interesting journey, and recently another issue has popped up to add some extra fun into the mix.

Ovulation pain.

I will demonstrate what I mean with this graph.

The Motherfucking Hurty Phase is when the egg pops out of the follicle in search of jazz juice to make a human. It feels like someone has got an old blunt knitting needle and is applying increased pressure to one’s side. It would make a grown man weep, but because we are super-human and have spent decades dealing with unfairness, we just tend to bitch about it on the internet to anyone who listens.

Medical experts suggest warm baths and compresses, but in my humble opinion, two naprogesics and a shot of gin is a far more effective treatment.

All this is going on while your body decides in fact that you are kind of down being a woman, and starts producing more testosterone so that you grow a decent moustache. You can kind of empathise with Micheal Douglas’s character, William Foster in the film Falling Down. All of a sudden taking a baseball bat to the local Westfield carpark seems to present some therapeutical outcomes.

Do you get ovulation pain? Any other shocks in store for me?