Reinvigorate your Vulva!

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I am all about self care. I love getting hot wax poured all over my body only to have my hair ripped out by it’s roots. And Who doesn’t love the sensational feeling you get watching someone SHAVE YOUR FEET.

It is so rewarding being a women.

And now some bright spark has come up with a “beauty product” so ludacris, I actually cannot get my head around it. Naturally, I am talking about a vulva mask. Because why should faces have all the fun?

Fig Femme is a company founded in 2020 (a year that keeps on giving hey) and has the snazzy marketing line SKINCARE FOR DOWN THERE because VULVA is to hard to spell?

Suitable for vegan vulvas, this mask claims the following…

RESTORE aims to strengthen the skin’s ability to defend itself from aggressors, while doubling-up as your go-to, all-rounder vulva mask.

I for one do not like the words defend, aggressors and vulva all in the same sentence. They just don’t belong together. The only thing I can think of being aggressive to my snatch might be the metallic, hot pink, nasty nylon g-banger THAT I BOUGHT AS A JOKE TO SCARE MY HUSBAND.

The RESTORE FANNY FACIAL claims to moisturise, brighten your bits and provide anti-ageing properties, which is just such a relief to all those who gaze down upon her. Thank me later Mr. Woog and Dr Mac. This one is for you.

And just incase you have lost total sense of logic and reason, this company want you to use it 3 times a week! I don’t wash my hair that often!

I am all for self-awareness and sexual health, absofuckinglutely! But you want me to spend $75 a week on a body area that nobody (Apart from mentioned) will ever see. What will there be next? Vaginal therapy involving reiki and affirmations?

And just before I go and neck a large vodka, riddle me this.

What is the biggest factor in ageing skin?

The Sun.

Do you want to know how many times I have offered up my delicate flower to the harsh rays?


I do not even want to think what their return and exchange policy must look like.

And so I will leave you with this…