Sometimes I think I am so clever I could just hug myself stupid. Like, with this blog title. It came to me as I washed my face last night and I went to bed thinking how I was going to trademark it, become an Instagram Influencer specialising in skin care and will make so much money I could buy an island.

I googled it this morning and am only about ten years too late, with 91,800 people already across it.

Already this week, I have discussed vulva skincare, so today I thought I would talk about facial skincare, as there is a chance that someone may actually see that part of your body.

Back when I could produce my own collagen, I had decent skin, free from wrinkles and debris. I would splash my face with water, maybe nick a bit of Mum’s Oil of Ulan if I was feeling fancy and that was it.

Now, because there was no such thing as NO HAT NO PLAY back in the day, my face is like a minefield, full of crevices, fluff, pores the size golf balls and the occasional hormonal volcano on my jawline, I have decided to pay it a little attention.

Having taken advice from Jack, who is an expert in all things, skin, makeup, fashion and things that are “unfairrrrr” I will now share with you some products that as a SKINFLUENCER, I endorse.

It’s not my fault I have to shave my freaking face. I have very fine hairs on my cheek, like a baby chicken. It is called vellus and I don’t need that in my life. I use Finishing Touch Flawless which you can check out here. It is on sale. It is tremendously satisfying and you might be horrified when you empty the vacuum bag.

Now that you are working with a smooth surface, let’s cleanse!

I got this for my birthday from my sister in law, Miss Woog. She knows things. It has some sort of acid that eats dead skin cells as it cleanses. I rate it highly. Order here. It is basically a face salad, all that parsley!

This is a fucking beauty and is as cheap as chips! I went and did a little research into what SQUALANE was. Did you know that it was originally sources from the livers of sharks! I am not kidding. Google it. Anyway, this is plant based squalene this leaves your skin squeaky clean! Click here.

Being a skinfluencer is a hard slog.

If you don’t know about this then please leave my blog. On sale now with 40% off. Use it everywhere, and even “down there”. Click here.

My skin sucks this up as I do to a Friday afternoon gin and tonic. We are both quite thirsty. This is Jack’s go-to and I have joined that circus. I love it. I use it every night and wake up with dewy decimal skin. Also very affordable. Click here.

Jack bought this with his birthday money and I am getting all of the benefits. It is not as cheap but it is very cheerful! Its marketing burb uses words like “vital nutrients” “powerful antioxidants” and “trace elements” which is all such bullshit high-level blah. I describe it as “good and creamy.”

Then, if I don’t want to scare children in the street, I top it all off with THE GREATEST FOUNDATION IN THE WORLD EVER!

It is your skin, BUT BETTER! So much hype about this product so I went along to one of their fancy PR lunches in the city SQUEE OH MY GOD YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE. I INSIST HON only to discover I had been wearing the wrong shade. It can be used as your foundation, concealer, anti-ageing serum, moisturiser and sunscreen. Click here for the details.

So there you have it, my tips on achieving epidermal excellence! I can only ask you….


This post is not sponsored in anyway, cheapskate bastards…