Pondering the Clouds

Because I was a little weirdo, one of my favourite things to do as a kid was to wander up the street to a little paddock that was filled with daisies and ladybirds. I used to lay down and study the clouds and think to myself things like “only I am me,”and I would think of all the people in the world and wonder how the hell I even ended up being here.

The chance of being born is n in 400 Trillion.

What I was actually doing 40 years ago was practicing mindfulness, before it because like totally trendy.

I bring this memory up today because over the last month my mental health has exploded like a dumpster fire full of rats and shitty nappies. The bottom fell out this morning when I was in the shower and I could NOT STOP CRYING. Rivers of snot, the whole heaving of the shoulders and wailing.

Eventually I think I ran out of tears, got dressed and went to meet a dear girlfriend for a coffee. She turned up, with a beautiful smile on her gorgeous face and it turns out I had not used up all my tears, and was able to produce a million more.

The Mosman Yoga Mums eating their avocado were treated to quite the spectacle, that I should have sold tickets. And then were got down to business, the business of working out what was going on with me.

I am such good fun at parties.

The truth is a LOT has been going on, some sad events and in my usual sweep it all under the rug smile and wave tactics were not going to work this time. No, my physical symptoms were released and here we now are, reaching back into the toolbox required for me to turn my brain into my friend again.

It is fucking exhausting. Yet as Kim always says fall down 5 times and get up six.

I wish I could go back to that little girl laying in the field and tell her that she was human and as humans we are all flawed, but things are going to turn out of ok for her, as this I still believe to be true.