My Essential Serums

Back in the day, or specifically around 69BC, when Cleopatra was feeling in the mood for some SELF CARE (which is a new wanky term for brushing your teeth etc), she ordered her minions to go and milk hundreds of donkeys, so she could bathe in the sought after equine enzymes. Now , considering that a donkey can only produce 4 cups of milk a day, ones imagination can run wild while picturing the operational nightmare that would be, if you were Head Honcho Donkey Milker.

But even before the invention of the Cleopatra Donkey Milkshake, one clever young clogs, known as Hippocrates, discovered that the humble olive oil was an all purpose beauty product, suitable for cleansing and keepings ones epidermis optimal.

I could go on now to tell you about how the excess olive oil that people bathed in, before it got scraped off, was used by wealthy ladies as hair conditioner, but dirty oil mixed with skin cells, well that is just too unappetising to even contemplate.

Now, skin care is having a bit of a “moment” at the… moment, thanks to the ongoing lockdown and the fact that there is not much else to do. That is apart from watching teenagers with flawless skin, void of lines or pores, make TikTok videos outlining their SKIN CARE ROUTINE. The modern skin care routine seems to be based on something called serums.

Serums are magic potions, according to anyone who has ever purchased one.

I have not escaped this trend, with Jack embracing, researching and executing his perfect mix of products and encouraging me to do the same. Jack and I share a bathroom as we prefer our soap to be pube free and our sink to be void from dried out, spat out toothpaste. When this latest lockdown started a few weeks ago, Jack set our bathroom up like a high-end spa.

We got new towels, scented candles, an industrial sized tub of Epsom salts and he set the vanity cupboard up, placing products in the order of the steps. He is very into order and calm.

But, when I go visit the “spa” I have a different routine.

I open the cabinet door and select my treatments that I require before placing them on the bench. Then, following my hot shower and after drying myself, I meticulously go through and apply my potions.

Once completed, I leave the bathroom quickly because I am about to freeze my tits off and I need to put more layers on, this time not creams but clothing.

This hasty retreat had started to annoy the Spa Manager, so much so that one evening he pitched quite the bitch fit.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had to really leave the bathroom in the way I found it, and would it kill me to put my serums away?

Serums? What serums?


You just have to make sure you put the right product on the right spot, or you could be in all sorts of bother.

What “skin care” are you currently using?